True Love. . . How Will I Know? is a talk designed specifically for high school teens. Patty Schneier invites teens to learn the meaning of real love, using four words: Free, Faithful, Total and Fruitful. With Christ as the supreme example, Patty explains how we are called to love one another as Christ loved us, in and through our bodies! True love, the “real thing,” speaks to the deepest desires of our hearts. We want it; we were created for this authentic love. But it is only when we know what true love is—and what true love communicates—that we can recognize a counterfeit. In discussing the many counterfeits that abound in our culture, Patty demonstrates how they pale in comparison with true love. She also shows how they lead directly to abortion and a culture of death. This talk is filled with personal stories and real-life examples. It directly addresses the many pressures that teens face, and equips them with the knowledge and tools needed to withstand these pressures. But most of all, this talk will help teens decide for themselves that the “real thing” is worth the wait!

Section I: True love is FREE

It is a freely given gift. Christ modeled this perfectly on the cross when he willingly gave his life for us. He could have come down from the cross, but he didn’t: “I am the good shepherd who lays down his life for his sheep. No one takes it from me. I lay it down on my own.” We are called to live this type of love in and through our bodies when we desire to be a gift to our beloved. With freely given love, there is no pressure, no manipulation, no grasping, no underlying motive to “get something” from the other person. True love desires to give, to lay down one’s life, rather than to take. Counterfeits: Rape, any pressure/manipulation to engage in sexual activity, the pressure many girls face to perform oral sex. In order to withstand these pressures, teens must remember that NO ONE was ever, ever, ever meant to be used for anyone’s selfish gratification!

Section II: True love is FAITHFUL

It is a love that lasts forever—until death and beyond! Christ loved us unconditionally to his death, and he continues to love us into eternity. He never abandons us, but remains with us always through the gift of the Eucharist and the Holy Spirit. “Behold, I am with you always until the end of the age.” Faithful love remains unconditional in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health . . . until death. We can physically express these marriage vows in the sexual union of husband and wife. Real love communicates TRUTH when it renews the marriage vows and confirms the marriage covenant: “I will love you and only you `til death do us part!” Counterfeits: Having an affair, living together before marriage, any sex outside of marriage. None of these involve permanence of marriage, trust, faithfulness, or covenant. The meaning of any sexual union is distorted when no marriage vows exist. Deciding NOW whether or not to engage in any sexual activity outside of marriage is one of the most important decision teens can make regarding their body, their moral values, and their overall health and well-being.

Section III: True love is TOTAL

Love involves a total gift of self. When Christ died on the cross, his ENTIRE body was crucified. At the Last Supper, he explained what real love demands: “This is my body, given for you.” Husband and wife are called to mirror these exact words: “This is my body, given for you. Take it.” This includes good days, bad days, our past, present, and future, eyes, ears, nose, heart, lungs, and soul, etc. It includes our fertility— which is a HUGE part of who we are! That is what makes us a man or woman! With a total gift of self, nothing is held back or omitted. Nothing is left out. We give all that we are. We receive and accept the total gift of our beloved as well. Counterfeits: All forms of contraception. WHY?!!!!! They speak: “I will have sex with you. . . . but not all of you.” With contraception, there can never be a total gift of self—never—because the reproductive organs have been rendered null and void. They are no longer “part of the package.” All forms of contraception violate total giving in love.

Section IV: True love is FRUITFUL

Christ said, “I came that you might have LIFE and have it to the full.” He also said, “Anyone who remains in me will bear great FRUIT!” God’s love is contagious, infectious, and life giving. It grows and lasts into eternity! It is never sterile or stagnant. The same can be said of authentic human love: Fruitful love is so beautiful, so powerful, so passionate, that it invites the Holy Spirit to be part of that union—the Lord, the Giver of Life! With fruitful love, the incredible power of fertility is appreciated and seen as a gift from God. Fruitful love is open to the possibility of new life. It is not afraid of the moment of conception. Scripture says: “True love casts out all fear.” Counterfeits: all forms of contraception, as well as surgeries that sterilize our fertility. Vasectomies and tubal ligations violate the dignity of our own bodies, deny the possibility of new life, and prohibit the creative power of God to be present in that union.

Ideas for Further Discussion

This talk only begins to uncover some of the counterfeits that are so prevalent in our culture. Within the context of free, faithful, total and fruitful love, it is easy to expose homosexual acts, masturbation, pornography, prostitution, and pedophilia as counterfeits and distortions of real love as well. Students may wish to discuss these issues. For further information, I recommend the following resources from One More Soul:

Sex Has a Price Tag by Pam Stenzel

video/audio 55 minutes

Veteran chastity speaker Pam Stenzel persuasively discusses the many reasons to avoid sex before marriage.

If You Really Loved Me by Jason Evert

book 211 pages

Jason Evert takes 100 common questions from high school teens—and gives straightforward, moving answers to them.

Romance Without Regret by Jason and Crystalina Evert

video 90 minutes

Jason and his wife Crystalina enthusiastically demonstrate the value of chastity to a high school audience.

A Case for Chastity by Heather Gallagher and Peter Vlahutin

book 168 pages

Drawing on many personal experiences, Heather Gallagher and Peter Vlahutin clearly explain what is gained by chastity and what is lost by the misuse of sex.

The Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West

book 149 pages

Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body is revolutionizing our world with a new understanding of God’s design for sexuality. This teaching is, in many ways, the heart of the New Evangelization. Christopher West opens this treasure for us with clear, concise language that speaks to our hearts.

See Discussion Questions on the next page.

Discussion Questions:

Section I: True love is FREE

1. How did Christ model freely given love?

2. What does freely given love communicate?

3. What are some common distortions of freely given love?

4. How do these distortions lead to abortion?

5. Why is it so important to recognize pressure as a counterfeit of love?

Reflection question

6. How can I prepare myself to resist pressures and train myself not to pressure others?

Section II: True love is FAITHFUL

1. How did Christ model faithful love?

2. What is communicated in a sexual union that is faithful?

3. What is the difference in meaning between sex outside of marriage and sex within marriage?

4. How do we know that God intended sex for marriage?

5. What are some common distortions that violate the faithfulness of love?

6. How does sex outside of marriage lead to abortion?

Reflection question

7. What can I do to prepare myself for faithful love?

Section III: True love is TOTAL

1. How did Christ on the cross model for us the meaning of total love?

2. Which words of Christ, said at every Mass, reflect his total gift of self?

3. How can we love another person TOTALLY, as Christ loved us?

4. What is included in the total package of a “one flesh union?” Why is this important?

5. What violates the aspect of a total gift of self? What do these counterfeits communicate?

6. How does contraception lead to abortion?

7. How did we become a society that could regard a child as a “mistake” rather than a blessing?

Reflection question

8. How can I prepare to give my whole self in love?

Section IV: True love is FRUITFUL

1. How did Christ model fruitful love?

2. How are we “created in the image and likeness of God”?

3. What does fruitful love desire and communicate?

4. How is fruitful love pro-life?

5. What are some distortions that violate the fruitfulness of love?

6. How does sterilization lead to a culture of death?

Reflection questions

7. God’s fruitful love means more than just having children. How can people in all stages of life bear fruit for God?

8. How do priests and religious bear fruit for God?

Chastity defined: Chastity is a virtue that directs all our sexual desires, emotions, and attractions toward the dignity of the person and the real meaning of love.

That means that all of our sexual desires, emotions, and attractions to others are supposed to be at the service of the dignity of the other person and the real meaning of love—not at the service of what we want! Chastity is a deep respect and admiration for the person AND for the gifts of our sexuality and sex. As John Paul II puts it, chastity is the readiness to affirm and love the person in every situation. You know what you are saying no to by living chastity, but what are you saying YES to?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING YES TO?

1. Chastity is saying YES to AUTHENTIC real love.

Sex does not equal love, and love does not equal sex. Love is not just a happy feeling or something that comes and goes. Love is a deep desire to do what is good for another. It involves sacrifice. Think of the love Christ has for you—a love that led Him to lay down His life on the cross. When compared to this kind of love, do you really want to date or marry somebody who rests his or her entire idea of a good relationship on mere feelings?

2. Chastity is saying YES to you.

Chastity says, “I believe that I am worth waiting for. I am a unique unrepeatable person who has a unique unrepeatable gift to offer.” By living chastity, you are saying YES to your own dignity and honoring the person God made you to be.

3. Chastity is saying YES to the person.

To every person you meet—especially those of the opposite sex—chastity says, “I will not put you in a position where I may use or hurt you. I will respect who you are, including your body. I will govern my eyes and thoughts so that they honor you.” Since sex is “saying your wedding vows with your body instead of your voice,”2 a commitment to chastity is a promise to never tell a lie with your body.

4. Chastity is saying YES to the “it is very good” kind of sex.

The Catholic Church says sex is SO great and SO good that when you take it out of marriage you cheapen it. You reduce it, and it’s no longer something great. God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply; then He looked at His creation and said “It is very good.” Adam and Eve were the first married couple. The “it is very good” kind of sex happens within marriage, where there is a life-long commitment and a total giving and receiving of each other. Having “meaningless” sex with different people now—even if you love them—is going to make it difficult once you’re married to express your TOTAL and UNCONDITIONAL love through this same act that once meant something less to you. The question is: What do you want?

5. Chastity is saying YES to your future spouse.

Whether you are called to marriage, the priesthood, or religious life, by living chastity, you are preparing yourself for your future vocation by loving even when it’s not easy or doesn’t feel good. You are being faithful to your spouse (whether a man or woman, the Church, or Christ Himself) now. Can you imagine a more powerful and beautiful gift to present to God and your spouse on your wedding day? How awesome it would be to look him or her in the eyes and say, “I have prepared myself for you!” There is no way you will regret giving this gift to God and your future spouse! If you have made mistakes in the past, go to confession and open yourself to the HEALING power of God and His MERCY, and begin living chastity from this very moment.

6. Chastity is saying YES to a great future.

Popular opinion would have you believe that your life will be perfect after you begin having sex, but the stats show just the opposite. Chaste teens avoid unintended pregnancy and STDs (many of which are incurable and cause infertility). They are also less likely to be depressed and commit suicide,3 have a marriage that ends in divorce, experience poverty, have an abortion,4 and use contraception. Oral contraceptives (estrogen and progestin combination) lead to an increased risk of several kinds of cancer.5 A woman’s risk for breast cancer increases by 44% when the Pill is taken prior to her first pregnancy.6 Don’t mess with your future and the happiness the Lord longs for you to enjoy!

7. Chastity is saying YES to God.

God is the Author of romance. He intended it from the beginning. God’s plans are not shallow and mediocre. They are GREAT! He has set the bar high because He wants what is truly best for us and knows the deepest desires of our hearts. Chastity says YES to the fullness of God’s plans for you. Give your life to Christ and live daily for Him; you will have more adventure than you know what to do with!

Practical Things You Can Do to Start Living Chastity NOW

1. PRAY!!

Mother Teresa said “Purity is the fruit of prayer.” Chastity cannot be lived by one’s own strength, but requires the help of Christ and the graces He gives through the Sacraments. Pick a saint—St. Joseph, St. Anne, St. Maria Goretti, St. Philomena, and Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati are some suggestions—and ask them to pray for you specifically in the area of purity. Pray for strength to always do what’s right, for your future vocation and spouse, and for all people to know the joy that comes from living a chaste life for the Lord.

2. Start loving now.

Chastity isn’t about waiting to love; it’s about authentically loving NOW. Find ways to renounce your will and sacrifice for the good of others. Act in such a way that all you do reflects your own dignity and helps others to realize their true worth as well. Learn to give of yourself and receive the gift of others.

3. Be yourself.

Never change who you are or water down your beliefs and moral convictions in hopes that others will like you more. You will be respected for your authenticity, and people will know where you stand by the example of your life. Find friends who will encourage you in living a chaste life rather than pressuring you to conform to the world’s standards.

4. Practice self-discipline.

Challenge yourself in the little things: not hitting the snooze button, skipping dessert, avoiding gossip, etc. By renouncing yourself in the little things, you are training yourself to renounce yourself in the big things. Then, when temptation comes your way, you’ll be ready. Be faithful to your commitments; set goals and stick with them.

5. Control your thoughts and imagination.

Once you go to a place mentally, it is easier to go there in reality. Some of what we hear and watch in the media sabotages our longings for real love by training us to use people. If you have romance novels, pornography, explicit songs, or anything else that tempts you, trash them. It might be hard, but you will experience the freedom that comes from rejecting sin and addiction, and Satan will no longer have these tools to use against you.

6. Think about how you advertise yourself.

The things you do and say, your friends, the way you dress, etc., all tell the world something about you. Dress in a way that accents your beauty rather than just your body. Modesty is about respecting yourself and helping your brothers and sisters in Christ to live chastity as well. Archbishop Fulton Sheen said, “No one ever becomes truly beautiful until he stops trying to make himself beautiful, and begins making himself good. Mary was not ‘full of grace’ because she was beautiful; she was beautiful because she was full of grace.”

7. Be alert!

Don’t drink alcohol or do drugs. Be aware of your surroundings (watch your drink!), and keep full possession of the capacity to think clearly, which is so compromised by drugs and alcohol.

8. Know Yourself.

It’s not just about saying NO when you’re in a bad situation, but about avoiding these situations to begin with. If certain situations, things, or people are a source of temptation to you, have the wisdom and strength to stay away. If you are ever in a situation where you may be tempted beyond your strength, 1) speak up, 2) stand up, and 3) walk out.

9. Have a reminder.

Wear a chastity ring/necklace or say a certain special prayer daily. Do something that reminds you of your commitment to true love.

10. Group date.

Go out with a guy/girl in a group of people. It will be more fun, and you will get to see how this person interacts with your friends. Be up-front and honest so he or she knows that chastity is essential in your relationship. If your date doesn’t respect your choice to live chastely, what else won’t they respect?

2. Refuse to sleep with a man until you have his wedding ring on your finger. IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU, he’ll wait. This respect—both the respect you will have for yourself and the respect the man will have for you—will carry over to your marriage someday.

3. Don’t wear degrading T-shirts with messages like “Who needs a brain when you have these?” (now discontinued because of protests). Consider refusing to buy from stores or manufacturers that make and sell these things. And don’t wear pants or shorts with writing across your bottom unless that is where you want to draw every pair of eyes that looks at you!

4. KEEP YOUR STANDARDS HIGH FOR WHO YOU WILL DATE. A real man will rise to meet your standards, but if you stoop and lower yours to his, you’ll have much to regret, and he will not be challenged to be a better man. You may be discouraged, but amazing men do exist. They are having just as hard of a time as you are at living purely in an impure world. One of them is fighting the uphill battle for you, so don’t let him down. And PRAY for him!

5. Pray to be more like Mary. Was there ever a woman more beautiful and dignified than the Mother of God? Pray 3 Hail Marys a day for purity of mind, purity of body, and purity of heart.

6. Confront any guy who ogles you with his eyes or touches you inappropriately. Rather than laugh at it, firmly (but respectfully and perhaps in private) let him know that this is completely unacceptable. You will be doing him and yourself a favor.

7. Don’t be duped by the media’s promotion of the falsehood that physical perfection is both possible and required. (Check out the Evolution Film at www.campaignforrealbeauty.com to see how much work it is to appear physically flawless.)

8. Don’t go to restaurants where the women (or men) servers’ bodies are put on display to attract customers.

9. DO let a guy be a gentleman. As long as he is holding the door or pulling out your chair with the right spirit, he isn’t saying that you aren’t capable of doing these things yourself. He is saying that you are worth so much that he wants to honor you with his actions.

10. Avoid clothing (even prom dresses or swimsuits) that seem as if they were made for the purpose of allowing men who are not your husband to enjoy the sight of parts of your body God made extra-special and are not to be seen by the whole world.

11. Say a prayer every time you see a woman dressed inappropriately, whether in person or on TV, etc. Pray that she will recognize her true worth, and pray that men will not be led astray by her.

12. Treat each person you meet with respect. Don’t let your kindness or attention depend on the other person’s (girl’s or guy’s) popularity or physical attraction. If you do, you could miss out on amazing and beautiful relationships.

13. Be GENUINE. There will only be one of you for all of eternity, and there is a place that only you can fill—fearlessly be yourself. Your genuineness will be a noticeable quality that will bring others to respect you. St. Catherine of Siena once said, “If you are what you should be, you will set the whole world on fire.”

14. Treat your body as a temple of the Holy Spirit. Jesus bought you with the price of His blood spilt on Calvary. Don’t make light of that supreme gift by degrading your body through drugs, alcohol, or premarital sex. Be careful not to put yourself in situations where you might do something you’ll regret. Alcohol makes you vulnerable, and there are many girls who have been raped either by choosing to drink or even by having something slipped into their drink. Please, don’t think that it can’t happen to you.

15. Refuse to believe the lies. Satan and the world will whisper lots of them in your ear. (You need to lose 5 more pounds before he will consider asking you out. Your parents don’t understand ANYTHING. You’re just not good enough to be loved.) Sound familiar?

16. Become the woman God made you to be. Work on virtues like gentleness, patience, and courage. As Proverbs 31 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty fleeting, but the woman who fears the Lord is to
be praised.”

17. Show the world that modesty doesn’t equal frumpiness. You can dress cute AND be modest. It may take some extra effort, but don’t let anybody tell you it’s not possible.

18. Be grateful to be a woman! Women have incredible gifts, and you also have qualities and talents unique only to you. Glorify God by developing and using the gifts you’ve been given.

19. Be an example to all of the young girls you know—your sisters, cousins, and neighbors. They deserve better than what the world is offering, and they’re depending on you to model truth and real beauty to them.

20. Most important of all, make Jesus your Best Friend. He’s the only One who is always faithful, and He’ll encourage you as you strive to stand up and claim respect. He’ll give you strength to become who He made you to be, and He’ll pick you up every time you fall.

These 20 suggestions were written by Kristie Wellman, One More Soul’s Coordinator of Youth and Family Outreach and a young woman trying to claim respect herself. You can contact her at Kristie@omsoul.com.

Copyright 2007 One More Soul www.omsoul.com (800) 307-7685

- St. Josemaría Escrivá

1. Tell cool, funny jokes, not the kind that would make a pure woman blush—or be offended!

2. Find saints that you relate to and ask them to pray for you as you imitate their virtues. Some awesome real men include St. Joseph, St. Augustine, St. Maximilian Kolbe, Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, and St. Josemaría Escrivá.

3. Keep your standards high; only date women who have the qualities you want in a future wife and mother of your children. Pray for your bride, that she will have the love and strength to save the gift of sexual intimacy for you, and pray that you’ll have that strength, too!

4. Read the Bible—be open to God’s Word. Let it convict you to courageously do the hard and holy things.

5. Respect women, even those who don’t respect themselves and may throw themselves at you. Don’t take advantage of them but help them to know their true worth. These women have a hole in their heart that they are looking to fill—point them to the only One who can fill it, Jesus Christ.

6. Be a man of integrity. Do everything as if someone were watching, because God is watching. Prepare now to someday lead a family. Work hard to prepare yourself to provide for and protect them, not only financially and physically, but also spiritually, morally, and emotionally.

7. Be both strong and gentle. St. Francis de Sales said that “there is nothing so strong as gentleness and nothing so gentle as real strength.” And wrap your brain around this quote by contemporary Catholic psychotherapist Philip Mango: “What’s a real man? He’s not a bully or a wimp. He transcends his own ego, his own fears, his own selfishness, and sacrifices himself as a gift to those he’s called
to protect.”

8. Say a prayer when you see a woman dressed immodestly (for the sake of the woman). Pope John Paul II said, “[God] has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman.”

9. Say a prayer when you see a woman dressed immodestly (for your purity’s sake). Use this moment, when Satan wants to pull you away from Jesus, to draw closer than ever to God.

10. Honor your mom and sisters. A smart woman knows that the way you treat your mother is the way you will someday treat her.

11. Find creative ways to express your (pure & chaste) feelings to the woman you like or are dating. Show her that you can love her without using her and that she is beautiful both inside and out.

12. Find good male role models to emulate; get relationship advice from Godly men.

13. Be open to the priesthood.

14. Show gentlemanly respect to all women, not just the woman you’re dating. What does it mean if you hold the door for your girlfriend but let it close in the face of the woman walking in right behind her?

15. Trust in God’s mercy. When you fall, go to confession. Receive strength from Christ truly present in the Eucharist. Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati said, “With all the strength of my soul I urge you young people to approach the Communion table as often as you can. Feed on this bread of angels whence you will draw all the energy you need to fight inner battles. Because true happiness, dear friends, does not consist in the pleasures of the world or in earthly things, but in peace of conscience, which we have only if we are pure in heart and mind.”

16. Don’t settle for counterfeits such as pornography or masturbation (in fact, avoid them like the plagues they are) if you want to someday enjoy the utterly amazing gift of sex as God intended.

17. Guard your senses from temptation, and be always ready to choose God’s way, no matter what the cost. The mind is a dangerous battlefield, so “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Phil. 4:8).

18. Recognize Mary as your Mother and say a prayer to consecrate your heart to her. Her prayers for you will be very powerful in helping you draw near to her Son.

19. Lay down your life in the little things; practice making small sacrifices by putting someone else’s wants or needs before
your own.

20. Make Jesus Christ your best friend and greatest role model. J.R.R. Tolkien, in a letter to his son, wrote, “Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament…There you will find romance, glory, honor, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves upon earth…which every man’s heart desires.”

These 20 suggestions were written by the Christian Life Men’s Group of Dayton, Ohio, the men of the One More Soul office, a few other great real men, and two young women praying that all young men everywhere will have the strength, courage, and love to become more and more like Christ.

Copyright 2007 One More Soul www.omsoul.com (800) 307-7685