No fear except holy fear
CYNTHIA writes:
Dear OMSoul,
God’s Peace to you!
Thank you for your ministry and this opportunity to share my “treasure” of my tubal reversal. After my third child was born, all C-section, I had myself sterilized, out of fear. I have horrible pregnancies, “morning” sickness that lasts24/7, I had my appendix out @ 6 months with my first pregnancy. I had a fibroid that grew to grapefruit size with the third and the list goes on.
So I thought I was justified, not to mention that I was a fallen away Catholic. The day my daughter was born (the same time I had my tubes done), I spent the rest of the day crying, knowing that what I did was wrong. I tried to rationalize that it was false guilt or etc…, not one day since that day did I ever stop saying, God, what did I do? Then the fun began, with my first period after childbirth (about 9 months later since I breast feed) I had my first migraine headache that went into what was called “viral meningitis.” I knew my hormones where messed up, somehow this was affecting more than my ability to conceive, and I knew it, but what doctor. would listen to symptoms. Headaches, weight gain, depression, bloating, pain, etc…. And at this same time I was coming back into my Catholic faith with my 3 children, knowing that my anti-Catholic husband could walk away. Thankfully, he did not. He isn’t Catholic, but has come a long way since that time.
During my journey home I reconciled with having my tubes done but asked God if he would make it possible for my tubes to be reversed. I wanted to “show” my faith and trust in him, even if it meant suffering through surgeries etc., but he would have to work things out because we didn’t have the money and we knew that putting a financial burden on our family was not what God would want (I spoke with a priest on these matters). So my prayer was, Lord, your will be done. I began by going to my Mom’s OB/GYN because of my problems, I also have a history of ovarian cysts, I wasn’t sure what he would find but I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t waited too long or that I had other problems that might stop my hope of a tubal reversal at this time. I was told that I probably had endometriosis, I was put on the Pill to slow it down and referred to an endometriosis/fertility specialist out of town. I prayed, Lord, I finally understand your gift of fertility and life and the first thing I get is “the Pill”, what an “in your face” I felt from the devil.
My first visit with this doctor was supposed to discuss whether or not I could get a tubal reversal, which turned into treatment for endometriosis which would be paid by our insurance and then we could also have a tubal reversal at the same time. The feast day was our lady of Mt. Carmel (I am a scapular wearer) Since then we have 2 more children and even though I struggle physically during all this, it is nothing compared to the joy of doing God’s will. My husband and I have used NFP since and I have found that the only fear we should ever have is Holy fear as our church teaches (proper fear) and trusting God has never let me down. I could go on and on with details that showed the hand of God through this part of my journey but obviously this e-mail would be way to long. Thank you so much for allowing me to share even in part this “treasure” that God has blessed me with.
God Bless you!
In Christ, Cynthia
