You Have Kept the Good Wine until Now
As I sat on the balcony of the hotel on the Thursday morning I was to have tubal ligation reversal surgery, I prayed the rosary for the doctor, nurses, my husband, myself and all those who might someday be inspired by my own leap of faith, and I came to the second Luminous Mystery. You all know the story: at Mary’s request, Christ changes the water into wine. The servers take it to the headwaiter who tastes the wine, not knowing where it came from, and then compliments the bridegroom saying, “Everyone serves good wine first and then when people have drunk freely, an inferior one; but you have kept the good wine until now.” The magnitude of God’s blessing fell on me like an avalanche at that moment, because after ten years of drinking freely of the inferior, I was about to partake of the good wine.
Just one short month before this, I had no idea that on July 21, 2005, at age 42, my fertility would be resurrected. The Holy Spirit works very quickly sometimes. I had vacationed in June at a friend’s house and that gave me lots of free time for reading and reflection. Several months earlier I had bought If You Really Loved Me by Jason Evert for her to read, and that was in the guest room along with Christopher West’s book that I had brought from home, The Good News About Sex and Marriage. Both books talk about God’s forgiveness for those who have true contrition for sterilization, but both books suggest that if reversal is within means, it is worthy to pursue it. I had confessed my sin and felt true peace from that absolution, but of course I retained the sorrow of what might have been. And after really, truly learning the beauty of God’s plan for marriage and sexuality, I knew that sterilization had kept that from being a reality for my marriage.
I chose to have my tubes “tied” on the day my daughter was born, March 21, 1995. With her I had had severe “morning” sickness which was actually all day and night rather than morning and I couldn’t take care of my two-year-old son or myself. I lost about 17 pounds in the first trimester and was hospitalized for dehydration. My aging parents had to come up and share the burden with my dear sister-in-law, who cared for me until it passed. I believed that I had a valid reason for tubal ligation because my parents were already advanced in age then, and if I were to be helpless like that again, there might not be anyone to care for me as well as my two small children (lack of faith on my part). If only someone had told me about NFP, that I too(!) am bound to follow the teachings of the Church, even if I can somehow rationalize my way around it, and that some of the health problems I had experienced were very likely related to tubal ligation. But I was resigned to the permanence of sterilization; I had been absolved of my sin, and the lingering regret I offered up as a sacrifice, a little cross to bear.
Never in my wildest dreams did I even consider that tubal reversal would ever be a possibility for me! My ten-year-old daughter had been saying to me lately, “Mom I want you to have another baby!” and I would tell her that because of my permanent mistake it could not happen, short of a miracle. I had the erroneous impression that the cost would be impossible to afford, and even then the possibility of conceiving is quite unlikely. Well, I think my daughter had more faith than I had and must have been praying for that miracle. While visiting my friend, reading and reflecting, I searched the Internet for the resources listed in the books for tubal ligation reversal. I checked out One More Soul, and Pope Paul Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction (which I had also heard about on Catholic Answers Radio); on a whim I did a Google search typing in “tubal ligation reversal.” The website for Dr. Gary Berger’s Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center in North Carolina popped up immediately, so I read about it as well. Dr. Berger does nothing but tubal ligation reversal surgery, four per day, five days a week and has performed over 5000 reversals in the course of his career, probably more than any other doctor in the world. He went overseas in the 1970’s to learn a special microsurgery technique and his unique procedure minimizes tissue trauma and promotes fast healing so that the surgery can be done on an outpatient basis at a fraction of the usual cost and usual recovery time: $5600 compared to $13-14,000, and 5-10 days recovery versus 4-6 weeks. About 65% of his patients go on to conceive.
Well, this is crazy, I thought to myself, to find some "strange" doctor on the Internet, of all places, and entrust myself to him. I requested his informational DVD, and meanwhile contacted the Pope Paul Institute. They were very helpful, and the doctor there is experienced at tubal reversals, but there was no possibility of insurance covering a bit of it, and due to the cost we could not consider that option. I received the video from Dr. Berger, which had appeared on the Discovery Channel and the Learning Channel (this gave him more credibility for me at that point—the fact that he is not unknown), and I was transfixed as I watched the actual surgery he performs, seeing myself in the patient’s place. And the cost was within reach. Now, I said to myself, we’re serious and it’s time to pray about this thing.
“God,” I prayed, “it seems you’ve placed this idea in my head. If it is your will for me to restore my fertility, please give me an unmistakable sign. I don’t want to have to wonder about it.” Later that day I went to daily Mass. The reading was about Zechariah and Elizabeth in Luke’s gospel, where Gabriel tells her she will conceive in her old age. I was overcome with emotion, and felt this couldn’t be a coincidence. A couple of days later, on Sunday before Mass, I prayed again. “God, it sure seemed like you were talking to me just then. Could you just sort of, you know, confirm that? It isn’t that I don’t trust you, it’s just I don’t trust my own ability to discern. Were you really talking to me?” He let me know in no uncertain terms that He was talking to me. That Sunday’s reading from the Old Testament was the prophet Elisha telling the Shumanite woman that one year from now she would be fondling a baby boy. It was then that I felt I had enough information to drop this bombshell on my husband. We had to talk.
I told my husband all that had transpired, and that what I truly wanted was to be open to life and give our fertility over to God’s control. If God blesses us with more children that would be great. If not, it still would be overwhelmingly peaceful to be in accord with God’s will. With the Holy Spirit’s help, my husband agreed. He still has fears about being “too old” (at 45 I don’t consider that old!), about his ability to handle the challenges of small children again, but God’s grace is miraculous and is working on him. With all the preliminaries taken care of, we boarded a plane to North Carolina on July 19. The surgery was a success and by that afternoon we were taking a stroll around the hotel. We returned home a couple of days later, and after only a week I am nearly back to normal.
As I sat on that balcony pondering how God transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary and reflecting on all that happened in just one short month, I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the good wine He has saved for me now.
