Love & Chastity

Just Look

The picture on this page is an untouched photograph of a being that has been within its mother for 20 weeks.just-look
Please do me the favor of looking at it carefully.
Have you any doubt that it is a human being?
If you do not have any such doubt, have you any doubt that it is an innocent human being?
If you have no doubt about this either, have you any doubt that the authorities in a civilized society are duty-bound to protect this innocent human being if anyone were to wish to kill it? (more…)

Believe In Me

Not too long ago I went to my family doctor for a yearly physical wellness exam. A very friendly nurse measured me, weighed me, and took my temperature. She also asked me the regular series of questions for women, such as, “When was your last menstrual period,” and “Is there any chance that you are pregnant?” To the latter question, I answered no. At that point I was a 21-year-old college student who, by God’s grace, was saving my virginity for marriage, trying to live a chaste life, and feeling very strongly about my convictions in this area. The nurse proceeded to ask me, at this point seemingly deviating from the questions on the form, if I was on any kind of birth control. (more…)

101 WAYS to build up REAL LOVE & show AFFECTION

By Jen Messing

Let’s be honest.
Media isn’t the best place to get ideas about how to show physical affection or how relationships should start and progress.

If you want real love, you have to build a real friendship. That means not just looking for physical pleasure or emotional comfort.

If you are interested in defending
your relationship against using each other,
“how far is too far?”
may not be the question to ask.

These ideas can be a solid place to start
or deepen a relationship. Get beyond what the culture tells you is normal—take time to actually get to know yourself and each other
for who you are
and see if you enjoy each other’s company!


First things first: Examine what is stirring in you. Are you craving contact with another person? Know that the desire to be in relationships is not bad (since we’re made in God’s image, we’re made to love!) but we should not use others to fill us up. The reality is, only God can do that.

If you are asking “how far is too far?” you may have good intentions—but a better question is “how can I really love this person?” 

God is the Standard for Love (see back panel) and we are made to love like Him—not to settle for less or to use each other.  Know that “rules” are meant to uphold real love and the dignity of every person involved.

If you see people as a means to your own end, you will treat them that way.  Purity in action flows from purity of heart and thought.  Aim to act as God made us to be from the very beginning: good to the core.

The draw toward physical and emotional expressions of love will very quickly get stronger when you really   connect with someone.  It’s good to acknowledge that fact and not just push the feelings down—but it’s also not OK to simply indulge. There is a balance to be found.

Rather than being stuck in the two extremes, you can re-focus: pray, think and be creative

  • Thank God for the other person and for the good gift of your desire to love!
  • Ask God to show you how to take all that energy and direct it toward loving like HE loves.
  • Examine what you have learned about relationships from family, culture, media, etc… you may have some untwist any lies.
  • Contemplate who, why & how you are choosing to love!  Let God guide your heart and don’t brush off internal warnings; pray about them and talk them out!

Commit to speaking the Truth with your body! A sincere embrace or kiss speaks a language: it should bless the other with a message of love and commitment. Real love doesn’t push boundaries that warm you up for sexual intercourse. In Marriage, the body-soul union of spouses is a renewal of their vows.

Definitions to think about

  • Friendship are good and needed. Don’t confuse the healthy close, mutual admiration or friendship with sexual attraction. Don’t let it get flirty, just be you.
  • ‘Dating’ has classically meant a guy asking a variety of ladies out over time because in order to get to know them, while keeping the idea of marriage in mind. This same intent can be accomplished by hanging out in small groups at  school, work, church, etc.  One-on-one time (going out on dates) should be fun and lowkey, but don’t get into the ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘hook up’ mentality!
  • ‘Courtship’ is a foreign word to most. Our culture calls exclusive relationships ‘dating’ but usually gives little thought to marriage.  A good mindset is to not be wooed into this more serious relationship unless you have already been friends for a while and he or she is the type of person you think you could marry.
    Courtship is where conversation and knowledge about the other & yourself  goes deeper and deeper. Spending a lot of time around family and friends will help you gain perspective about the other person as you start to pray and talk about marriage.
  • Engagement declares the intent to marry but it’s not just about planning the reception. Go on a marriage preparation retreat before you set the wedding date! Get specific in conversations about daily life expectations, finances and family. Take a NFP (Natural Family Planning) class so you truly know what’s going on. This time of waiting for sexual union will reveal the variety of ways you can deepen your love for each other.
  • Public vows of Marriage are meant to protect the intimate body-soul bond of love between one man and one woman so that they and their children have a permanent place to grow in love together!  If one of these intentions is missing (to bond permanently or openness to procreating children), the true meaning of marriage is not being upheld. Prior to the vows when a couple declares ‘for better or worse until death do us part’, each says I do’ to the following:
  • Do you come here freely and without reservation?
  • Are you prepared to love and honor each other for as long as you both shall live?
  • Will you accept children lovingly from God?    

LOVE is:

  • A choice to make a gift of yourself to another person.
  • To want & work toward the best for someone else, even when it is difficult. It goes beyond emotion.
  • A participation in God’s lovethe real thing is:
    • FREE: not forced or enslaved to urges.
    • TOTAL/FULL: not conditional. In marriage, it is not partial or holding back any part of a person.
    • FAITHFUL: steadfast; never abandons. In marriage, vows are permanent, only broken by death.
    • FRUITFUL: physically &/or spiritually life-giving.
  • Shown in different ways to different people! Various ways go giving and receiving love are appropriate between spouses, family members, friends, strangers in need, etc. Though many of us are in this habit, it is not an accurate word to use toward food, animals or objects.

LUST is:

  • Not seeing the other as a person but as an object.
  • Sexual desire that distorts God’s love. Sexual desire itself is not the sin; it is a gift from God that points to a good desire for love, but it can easily be twisted!
  • Using (in thought or in action) someone (body or soul) for your own benefit. (FYI, Marriage isn’t an outlet for lust!)
  • Can be a convincing counterfeit of real love.



True Love… How Will I Know? study guide

True Love. . . How Will I Know? is a talk designed specifically for high school teens. Patty Schneier invites teens to learn the meaning of real love, using four words: Free, Faithful, Total and Fruitful. With Christ as the supreme example, Patty explains how we are called to love one another as Christ loved us, in and through our bodies! True love, the “real thing,” speaks to the deepest desires of our hearts. We want it; we were created for this authentic love. But it is only when we know what true love is—and what true love communicates—that we can recognize a counterfeit. In discussing the many counterfeits that abound in our culture, Patty demonstrates how they pale in comparison with true love. She also shows how they lead directly to abortion and a culture of death. This talk is filled with personal stories and real-life examples. It directly addresses the many pressures that teens face, and equips them with the knowledge and tools needed to withstand these pressures. But most of all, this talk will help teens decide for themselves that the “real thing” is worth the wait! (more…)

Chastity: What are you saying YES to?

Chastity is a virtue that each baptized person is called to live no matter what his or her vocation. Chastity is more about what you are doing than about what you are not doing. It is SO MUCH MORE than remaining a “technical virgin.” Chastity is actually at the heart of a good marriage. So if chastity is lived even after marriage, then it has to be more than just saying NO to sex.

Chastity defined: Chastity is a virtue that directs all our  sexual desires, emotions,  and attractions toward the dignity of the person and the real meaning of love.1

That means that all of our sexual desires, emotions, and attractions to others are supposed to be at the service of the dignity of the other person and the real meaning of lovenot at the service of what we want! Chastity is a deep respect and admiration for the person AND for the gifts of our sexuality and sex. As John Paul II puts it, chastity is the readiness to affirm and love the person in every situation. You know what you are saying no to by living chastity, but what are you saying YES to?


1. Chastity is saying YES to AUTHENTIC real love.

Love is not just a happy feeling or something that comes and goes. Your love is also not prooved by having sex with someone. Love is a deep desire to do what is good for another. It involves sacrifice. Think of the love Christ has for you—a love that led Him to lay down His life on the cross. When compared to this kind of love, do you really want to date or marry somebody who rests his or her entire idea of a good relationship on mere feelings?

2. Chastity is saying YES to you.

Chastity says, “I believe that I am worth waiting for. I am a unique unrepeatable person who has a unique unrepeatable gift  to offer.” By living chastity, you are saying YES to your own dignity and honoring the person God made you to be.

3. Chastity is saying YES to the person.

To every person you meet—especially those of the opposite sex—chastity says, “I will not put you in a position where I may use or hurt you. I will respect who you are, including your body. I will govern my eyes and thoughts so that they honor you.” Since sex is “saying your wedding vows with your body instead of your voice,”2 a commitment to chastity is a promise to never tell a lie with your body.

4. Chastity is saying YES to the “it is very good” kind of sex.

The Catholic Church says sex is SO great and SO good that when you take it out of marriage you cheapen it.  You reduce it, and it is no longer something great. God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply; then He looked at His creation and said “It is very good.” Adam and Eve were the first married couple. The real meaning of sex happens can only be found within marriage, where there is a life-long commitment and a total giving and receiving of each other. Having “meaningless” sex with different people now—even even if you love them—is going to make it difficult once you’re married to express your TOTAL and UNCONDITIONAL love through the same act that once meant something less to you. The question is: What do you want?

5. Chastity is saying YES to your future spouse.

Whether you are called to marriage, the priesthood, or religious life, by living chastity, you are preparing yourself for your future vocation by loving even when it is not easy or does not feel good. You are being faithful to your spouse now. Can you imagine a more powerful and beautiful gift to present to God and your spouse on your wedding day? How awesome it would be to look him or her in the eyes and say, “I have prepared myself for you!” There is no way you will have any regrets giving this gift to God and your future spouse! If you have made mistakes in the past, go to confession and open yourself to the HEALING power of God and His MERCY, and begin living chastity and preparing yourself from this very moment.

6. Chastity is saying YES to a great future.

Popular opinion would have you believe that your life will be perfect after you begin having sex, but the stats show just the opposite. Chaste teens avoid unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (many of which are incurable and cause infertility). They are also less likely to be depressed, commit suicide,3 have a marriage that ends in divorce, experience poverty, have an abortion,4 and use contraception. Oral contraceptives (estrogen and progestin combination) lead to an increased risk of several kinds of cancer.5 A woman’s risk for breast cancer increases by 44% when the Pill is taken prior to her first pregnancy.6  Do not mess with your future and the happiness the Lord longs for you to enjoy!

7. Chastity is saying YES to God.

God is the Author of romance. He intended it from the beginning. God’s plans are not shallow and mediocre. They are GREAT! He has set the bar high because He wants what is truly best for you and knows the deepest desires of your heart. Chastity says YES to the fullness of God’s plans for you. Give your life to Christ and live daily for Him; you will have more adventure than you know what to do with!

“Chastity is first and foremost a great yes to the true meaning of sex, to the goodness of being created as male and female in the image of God. Chastity isn’t repressive. It’s totally liberating. It frees us from the tendency to use others for selfish gratification and enables us to love others as Christ loves us.” —Christopher West

Practical Things You Can Do to Start Living Chastity NOW

1. PRAY!!

Mother Teresa said “Purity is the fruit of prayer.” Chastity cannot be lived by one’s own strength, but requires the help of Christ and the graces He gives through the Sacraments. Pick a saint—St. Joseph, St. Anne, St. Maria Goretti, St. Philomena, and Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati are some suggestions—and ask them to pray for you specifically in the area of purity. Pray for strength to always do what’s right, for your future vocation and spouse, and for all people to know the joy that comes from living a chaste life for the Lord.

2. Start loving now.

Chastity isn’t about waiting to love; it’s about authentically loving NOW. Find ways to renounce your will and sacrifice for the good of others. Act in such a way that all you do reflects your own dignity and helps others to realize their true worth as well. Learn to give of yourself and receive the gift of others.

3. Be yourself.

Never change who you are or water down your beliefs and moral convictions in hopes that others will like you more. You will be respected for your authenticity, and people will know where you stand by the example of your life. Find friends who will encourage you in living a chaste life rather than pressuring you to conform to the world’s standards.

4. Practice self-discipline.

Challenge yourself in the little things: not hitting the snooze button, skipping dessert, avoiding gossip, etc. By renouncing yourself in the little things, you are training yourself to renounce yourself in the big things. Then, when temptation comes your way, you’ll be ready. Be faithful to your commitments; set goals and stick with them.

5. Control your thoughts and imagination.

Once you go to a place mentally, it is easier to go there in reality. Some of what we hear and watch in the media sabotages our longings for real love by training us to use people. If you have romance novels, pornography, explicit songs, or anything else that tempts you, trash them. It might be hard, but you will experience the freedom that comes from rejecting sin and addiction, and Satan will no longer have these tools to use against you.

6. Think about how you advertise yourself.

The things you do and say, your friends, the way you dress, etc., all tell the world something about you. Dress in a way that accents your beauty rather than just your body. Modesty is about respecting yourself and helping your brothers and sisters in Christ to live chastity as well. Archbishop Fulton Sheen said, “No one ever becomes truly beautiful until he stops trying to make himself beautiful, and begins making himself good. Mary was not ‘full of grace’ because she was beautiful; she was beautiful because she was full of grace.”

7. Be alert!

Don’t drink alcohol or do drugs. Be aware of your surroundings (watch your drink!), and keep full possession of the capacity to think clearly, which is so compromised by drugs and alcohol.

8. Know Yourself.

It’s not just about saying NO when you’re in a bad situation, but about avoiding these situations to begin with. If certain situations, things, or people are a source of temptation to you, have the wisdom and strength to stay away. If you are ever in a situation where you may be tempted beyond your strength, 1) speak up, 2) stand up, and 3) walk out.

9. Have a reminder.

Wear a chastity ring/necklace or say a certain special prayer daily. Do something that reminds you of your commitment to true love.

10. Group date.

Go out with a guy/girl in a group of people. It will be more fun, and you will get to see how this person interacts with your friends. Be up-front and honest so he or she knows that chastity is essential in your relationship. If your date doesn’t respect your choice to live chastely, what else won’t they respect?



1 Theology of the Body for Teens Student Workbook, Ascension Press, p. 42

2 Jason Evert, If You Really Loved Me, Catholic Answers, p. 26





20 Ways for Young Women to Claim the Respect They Deserve

1. Dress in a way appropriate to your dignity. As Crystalina Evert, an awesome chastity speaker puts it, “Don’t walk around sending the message that your body is the best part of you—implying that your heart, mind, and soul aren’t so important. Instead, say with your modesty, ‘I’m worth waiting to see.’”

2. Give the gift of yourself in sex only to your husband. THIS IS A PRECIOUS GIFT that you will never regret saving for marriage, and by waiting you are loving your future spouse even now. The respect you will have for yourself doing so, and the respect that men (both your future husband and any men you will date before him) will have for you will set a strong foundation for a wonderful marriage someday. (more…)

20 Ways for Young Men to Become REAL Men

“There is need for a crusade of manliness and purity to counteract and nullify the savage work of those who think man is a beast. And that crusade is your work”

– St. Josemaría Escrivá

1. Tell cool, funny jokes, not the kind that would make a pure woman blush—or be offended!

2. Find saints that you relate to and ask them to pray for you as you imitate their virtues. Some awesome real men include St. Joseph, St. Augustine, St. Maximilian Kolbe, Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, and St. Josemaría Escrivá. (more…)